You had told me this was the case. Mum had told me this was the case. I was being "silly". Any different reason for his coldness towards me and emotional distance from me, well, they were just figments of an eating disordered imagination..weren't they? Perhaps not.

Beliefs that challenge the eating disordered way of thinking are hard fought for and difficult to maintain at the best of times. This little revelation has left me reeling. It has made me question all that I thought I had "come to terms with". Because although the anorexia is based in distorted beliefs and unrealities (or so I've been lead to believe), the truth is sometimes just that: the truth. Sometimes it needs no further analysis. Sometimes how it appears to be is how it actually is.

So this discovery has been a bit of a body blow for me.

 "You want the truth?? You can't handle the truth!" ..

..a quote that springs readily to mind. I am left with the thought that really, truly, what more could I have expected? Folk do not have an unlimited amount of patience. I merely manifested what I asked for all along - to be left alone.

Sorry for the delay...this is Part Two of the JT Experience (Part One being at 1st September if you want to get the gist and avoid the "what the hell is she rabbiting on about now??"...Although I do not guarantee you won't think that anyway... )

Oops, so, got a little side-tracked there by life n'stuff. But I now bring to you (yes, I know - your luck is never-ending) Round 2 of "Meet the Expert" (then cry in despair).

...So, having composed myself to a point at which I could at least basically function (i.e.nod/shake head). And having left the wry-laughter-verging-on-frustrated-weeping in the bathroom, I gingerly exited and K and I braced ourselves for what was to come..and this is what occured...

Having been granted access once more to the inner-sanctum of JT -courtesy of Graham/Gavin- I was led by a garbling Janet (it all sounded garbled to me anyway - but then I could barely make sense of my own thoughts so this whirlwind of activity beside me (Janet) was beyond my comprehension at that time!) into a side room which obviously quadrupled up as meeting room/computer room/research room/assessment room.

Here, I was introduced to Isabelle. She apparently was going to take me through a CD-Rom programme that a section of the research team had been putting together. OK, I thought..I'm interested in seeing the latest innovations in the world of ED recovery, let's have a look...

At this point K was bustled out of the room by JT with an "oh my dear you must be famished after driving all that way - you must eat! Let's find something for you"..she turned to me "and how about you?"

Me: "um-uh..well, I've brought a nutrition shake with me..so I'll have that at some point.."

JT: "Are you going to have it now then??" 

What I wanted to say: " Look Janet, I'm stressed enough here. I'm in a strange place, with people I don't know, a million and ten miles outta my comfort zone..I'll have the damn shake when I'm good and ready!!!!"

Now I get it. I really do. The point that she felt she should push the issue..seeing as where we were and why were there..but. Fuck me. Do I get to calm down a bit first? Please?

 Alas, she knows me not well enough to realise that if you push me, I'll invariably back off - preferring to topple off the cliff backwards as I edge away than giving any ground when I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights of well-meaning folk. Methinks I need a hat, with a siren on top which flashes manically when I feel people have breached a.) my personal space or b.) my anxiety limit!                     

"Back away with your hands in the air and nobody gets hurt!!

Sadly, I have no such hat (but will be trawling ebay later..). I also didn't respond in quite the abrupt manner my head had in mind..Although my response was a repetition of what I'd already said - through gritted teeth. Maybe she got the point because she scurried out of the room dragging K along with her (despite the fact I knew K wanted to have a nosy at this so-called "new-technology"..meh, she didn't miss that much to be honest!)

After a while of cajoling the computer to load the programme it began. Right then, how to describe this without sounding like my usual cynical self. It's a toughie!

The PC programme comprised of a virtual reality kitchen. In the "kitchen" there is a virtually real (but obviously not real at all) fridge, filled with food (not real food of course) that you can click your cursor on, "virtually" remove from the fridge and even...yes really..."virtually EAT" (um..but not really eat - of course). You even get the pleasure of the real-live (but not) chomping of somebody eating whatever you've picked (I had a go at the chocolate cake, the fish and some chicken) Can't say if filled me up, made me want to vomit or really made me think anything other than.."Woah, and this is what the funding goes on re. the latest ED research...we're in trouble!

I'm afraid to report that quite soon my scepticism was alive and kicking again, as I wondered just how this could possibly be implemented in the real world of eating disorder treatment. One teeny-tiny fault I could identify straight off the bat - it's not real!! And for me, at least, would be about as helpful as knocking my head off each of the room's four walls before performing a lobotomy on myself with a rusty scalpel (as options diminish I may find this one becoming more appealing!)

Happily the lovely Isabelle recordered our session with a dictaphone. I imagine the majority of my input would be.."um, ok, so what's the theory behind this? How is this supposed to work? I'm just not really getting the point..maybe I'm missing something...but yes, of course I can take the cake out, put it on a plate and eat it - BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL!!

Plus folks, take into account that I'm not entirely technologically adept and laptop micey-scrolly things are damned hard to control when you're a novice!! Nope, 'twas not for me. I hope they found my feedback helpful..uh-yeah . Hey, I'm a hands-up-honesty's-the-best-policy-girl...so that's what you get!

Praise the Lord, eventually a spark of sanity - K walked in through the door (with JT who alas for me snuffed out the promise of sanity before I got too comfy with the concept.)

It was time to retire to her office for a "chat"...Oh joy. Well, not entirely. Oh frustration....Oh fuck.

Credit where it's due though, she had at least read my (mountains) of notes (believe me - it's a sizeable wedge). Still, my medical notes are just that - notes. Maybe I should've directed her to my Xanga for a clearer picture..

Handily she later posted me out a summarisation of all that was discussed during this session as (as I know you all know) my memory is worse than that of a demented goldfish. I shall furnish you with some of her observational gems:

1. (and my personal favourite)..".some people might say that you are somewhat stubborn and inflexible".

Yup, I guess they might...particularly if they've read the rather one-sided notes written of me whilst I have been an inpatient. "Stubborn and "inflexible" would probably fit the majority of in-mates with eating disorders facing yet another inpatient treatment much the same as the last which is "supposedly" collaborative, but is "actually" about as collaborative as being hit by a bus.

But then, the fact I have this mental illness of course negates any rational thoughts and ideas I may come up with that might help me to help myself. So although under the benevolent guise of being collaborative it actually becomes more of a battle to get my needs met within the restrictive setting of a unit. And might I add, a unit which has had funding diverted away from it (which would've been handy to utilise for more qualified staff, support and a daypatient programme to bridge the massive gap that folk with eating disorders tend to fall down as they're swiftly shipped out of an inpatient unit -where all control is taken away-back to the "real world" where they land with a bump realising they have no experience of coping in it!!.I predict a relapse!..Talk about reinforcing the black/white/all/nothing thinking that the profs profess is an important aspect of eating disorder thinking that needs to be addressed and eradicated...and all the while they're exacerbating it!!) to spend on researching whether a PC-Rom of a virtual kitchen might or might not be of any help. Hmm...I await with interest the findings of this research...I'd be interested in any of your thoughts on the merits (or not?) of such a program..What do you reckon? What would help you? Can you think of any tweeks that might actually make it quite a useful tool?...I know some folk who only have to look at a chocolate cake and they feel as though they've out on 10lbs..so..I reserve judgement (just about) until I get feedback from you guys...See? I can do flexible .

She also highlighted my problems with anxiety and social phobia (although no ideas on how to address these, so probably going to go with our original plan of taking the edge off the anxiety and OCD-type behaviours with an anti-psychotic drug, at the least to give me a calmer state from which to work on the eating disorder itself).

She mentioned a rehab resedential..then dismissed it saying I'd need to get to a BMI of 15 to qualify for a bed...Actually this did stick in my mind...If I could just knuckle down and get to 15 then I might get a chance to address what I think are the important issues...As ever I want to run before I can walk!

The upshot of all of this is, that despite discussing with K that I might be able to turn this around myself, two weeks down the line and I'm still struggling badly. So yes, another inpatient admission looms and I have much to think about my approach this time. Is it another "stabilization to stop me dying"? or could it be more of a Project Rehab (or at least Project More Options Available)..which would see me attempting to increase my weight to 15 (and stabilising it for a good period of time) with either a step-down programme to discharge (which they don't really offer at my local EDU) or then a transferral to a specialist rehab where the aim is about "learning to live". Honestly, after 18 years I think I really have forgotten how to live.

Naturally I know what the majority of voices will call for...Rationally (no really, I can be rational at times!) I know this could be my last chance. But then that's easy to say when I'm not imploding-head-anxious and being prompted to "just take another mouthful Mel - you can do it"..DON'T PATRONISE ME DAMNIT!!!!

*Sigh*. Like I said, lots to think about.

Oh yeah, just one more "innovative, spangly new idea" in JT's research pipeline..Erm..it's a podcast..or vodcast or some kinda-cast to be used on an ipod and used as a "virtual" support. In the background yu hear some floaty, hippy meditation-type music, whilst over the top of that is a monotone voice droning on (I think it's meant to be calming..but still it managed to wind me up!) about how"food is your medicine.." and "every body system is affected by the food you eat"...and on and on...Is it called perhaps something like "positive reinforcements?? And whilst you're listening to Miss no-personality you can also stare wonderously at the moving pictures on the screen..lovely. I imagine they are supposed to generate a sense of wellbeing and calm...Me? I felt about 12 years old.

Is it just me, or is all this eating disorder research targeting child and adolescent eating disorders?...I know, I know..I'm a tricky customer..but it all feels so..so false.

Woah, I think I've reached my ramble quota!

Hope all is well with my friends out there (I'm fairly sure I've a couple :)

Oh Good Grief!! It be gone 3am here now!..I'm coming bed!!!

Night all x